Animal #5: The Bald Eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus)

The Facts:

Let us take a look at our nation's national symbol and treasure...me.

The Bald Eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus), also known in the United States as the American Eagle, is a bird of prey found in North America, most recognizable as the national bird of the United States.

The species was on the brink of extirpation in the U.S. late in the twentieth century, but now has a stable population and is in the process of being removed from the U.S. federal government's list of endangered species. The Bald Eagle was officially reclassified from "Endangered" to "Threatened" on July 12, 1995 by the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service. On July 6, 1999, there was a proposal initiated "To Remove the Bald Eagle in the Lower 48 States From the List of Endangered and Threatened Wildlife."[1] It is expected to be delisted by June 29.

Body length ranges from 27 to 40 inches (68-100 cm). Adult females have an average wingspan of about 7 feet (2.1 meters); adult males have a wingspan of 6 ft 6 in (2 meters). Adult females weigh approximately 12.8 lb (5.8 kg), males weigh 9 lb (4.1 kg). The smallest specimens are those from Florida, where an adult male may barely exceed 5 lb (2.3 kg) and a wingspan of 6 feet (1.8 meters). The largest are the Alaskan birds, where large females may exceed 16.5 lb (7.5 kg) and have a wingspan of over 8 feet (2.4 meters).

Eagles sit at the top of the food chain, making them more vulnerable to toxic chemicals in the environment, since each link in the food chain tends to concentrate chemicals from the lower link. Because of their size, they have few enemies and require a large hunting area.

A bald eagle's lifting power is about 4 pounds. They do not generally feed on chickens or other domestic livestock, but they will make use of available food sources. Bald eagles will take advantage of carrion (dead and decaying flesh). Because of its scavenger image, some people dislike the bald eagle. Other people do not care for powerful and aggressive birds. Still other people object merely on the grounds that it is a bird of prey, which kills other animals for food.

Once an eagle spots a fish swimming or floating near the surface of the water, it approaches its prey in a shallow glide and snatches the fish out of the water with a quick swipe of its talons. Eagles can open and close their talons at will. If an eagle is dragged into the water by a fish too large for the eagle to lift, it is because the eagle refuses to release it. In some cases this is due to hunger. An eagle might drown during the encounter with the fish or if it's unable to swim far enough to reach shore. The eagle can not fly again until it's out of the water, so it uses its large wings to swim. The eagle is a strong swimmer, but if the water is very cold, it may be overcome by hypothermia.

The hunting area or home range patrolled by a bald eagle varies from 1,700 to 10,000 acres. Home ranges are smaller where food is present in great quantity. Because of the energy expended during hunting, an eagle has to spend a lot of time resting quietly. It's estimated that only one out of eighteen attacks are successful.

Though not as fast as falcons, bald eagles are fast fliers. When diving, where lift is less important than reaching drag, the eagle pulls in its wings to minimize their surface area.

Tim's Opinion:

Okay, first of all, National Park rangers, there is no chance that I actually mean to go beat up a bald eagle. Homeland Security, by no means am I supporting terrorism or attacking American family values or anything like that. Now that we got that out of the way and I am not a threat to America, let us get on to my opinion!

Originally I thought a bald eagle would kick my ass but the more and more I think about it I believe I could take that little bugger down. Let me first off say that I thought the bird was a little stronger than being able to lift four pounds of meat during flight. Perhaps it's that damn Lord of the Rings movie that made me think they would just pick up and eat me. Turns out, bald eagles aren't all that big. Here's a size comparison for you:


That guy isn't all that big compared to our pudgy bald eagle handler. One thing that's probably deceiving about this picture are the talons. My friendly neighborhood bird expert (thanks Cara!) states that the most dangerous part of the bald eagle is the talon. Take a look at the talon compared to the skull of the bald eagle and the egg of the bald eagle:

The talon is nothing to cough at as my bird expert told me that the talon would definitely rip through something fleshy like a hand with no problem. She also stated that the grip of the bald eagle is like a vice. It would most likely be able to cut off circulation if it grabbed onto to an arm or a leg.

I know you are probably looking at the beak but my bird expert told me to worry about the talons before you think about worrying about the beak. Let us take a look at how the bald eagle hunts its favorite food: fish.



For another view on bald eagles, lets see two bald eagles fighting each other (not the best idea when you're endangered):



Alright, let me show you my idiot proof technique to take down the bald eagle and potentially all flying animals. Before I get into my wonderful technique, let us take a moment to realize that a human is exponentially smarter than a bald eagle. You can do complex mathematic equations, conjure up hypothetical situations, etc. (please don't write in that the bald eagle could probably do that, they just haven't been given the opportunity...if you can't do either, fake it. I do.) So using our incredibly useful brain, we are going to turn the bald eagle's best weapons against it.

First of all, we need to protect the vital organs. So what we are going to do is lie down on our back like this:Instead of lifting your neck off the floor, just use your legs and arms to shield your torso and your head. Keep your head elevated enough to see the eagle but never ever have it raised higher than your legs or arms. DON'T MAKE YOUR HEAD A TARGET! By now, the eagle has hopefully taken off to the skies because if it hasn't just punt the damn thing for being so stupid. Talons are no good if you are walking on them suckah!

So while the birdie is circling you, your only goal is to position your body so that your legs are always aligned with the bird and that you can see it at all times. Make the view through your elevated legs a crosshair. Yes, you will look the like world's biggest idiot, but then again, you are fighting a bald eagle.

Now this is the part where your skill and timing come in to play and it will result in one of two ways which can both be beneficial:

Scenario 1: The bird will come flying in and you can just kick out your legs and either a) hit the bird or b) get close enough so you stun it. The second it hits the floor you pretend like its free cupcakes and you jump on the mfer. Poor little bastard only weighs 10lbs. Imagine when your body weight comes crashing down on it. Even if you miss, it's not going to stay around to have a close range battle. It's going to fly up again and try swooping down on you. Rinse repeat until effective.

Scenario 2: This is much much MUCH less fun but highly more probable. While you are in your little tucked position, the eagle makes its descent and you are too slow and it gets a talon on your thigh or your arms. In all likelihood, this eagle is going to clutch on to whatever it grabs so prepare to say goodbye to a limb. My bird expert tells me they have a vice grip and since the talons are freakishly sharp, they will probably just dig into your thigh, calf, forearm, bicep and probably hit a shitload of arteries. Your job, kill him before you pass out due to blood loss or pain.

If he clamps down on your thigh and starts pecking living hell out of it you just get your two hands and clap right on the birds head. Doing something like that on the birds head will probably kill it or disorient it badly enough for you to finish the job. After this, call up the best prosthetics guy because your leg will probably be mangled.

If he clamps down on your forearm or bicep, you have a free arm to wail away on the bird. If you have to BITE IT! It's biting you so you bite it back! Pull a vampire Jack Bauer on American's treasure! Get a little vengeance for all the Nemos of the world. Either way, you punch the birds lights out or you bite it. Hell, if you are flexible enough, use yours legs.

If you think this whole process is too complicated, watch this image to find the perfect way to dispatch a bald eagle:

I gotta say, this plan is near fool proof. The only way this eagle is going to kill you is if it brains you or if it strikes an internal organ. How is the eagle going to get you if you protect these things with your arms and legs?? Sure the eagle is probably smart enough to distinguish your head from your legs but if you were a flying animal and you were dive bombing something, would you go for the flailing limbs on top? I think so.

I know some people are gonna bitch and moan about the beak. Go look at every single nature video on youtube and watch that the eagle always ALWAYS leads with the claws. I don't think the eagle is in the lockerroom with John Madden, Larry Brown and Joe Torre game planning on suddenly using the beak after centuries of using the talons to attack its prey. Even still, if it leads with its beak, you still go with the same technique!

Now that my spiel is over with, bring on the comments!

Tell me why I'm wrong!

Results: Animal #4 - The Red Kangaroo

Results from Discussion and the Poll

Looks like there wasn't much on the discussion because it was pretty much unanimous that the Red Kangaroo would kick our asses. The final poll result was 0-6 in favor of the Red Kangaroo.

Having experienced kangaroos in the wild and the not-so-wild of an Australian free range animal park, I will agree with you here...They have incredibly strong legs, and I could see those doing a lot of damage. Additionally, I know someone who got just a little too close to a kangaroo and got drop kicked. He was minding his own business, but this guy weighs maybe 30 lbs more than me and is a couple inches taller. I imagine if I consciously tried to combat it in an arena it'd just kick the snot out of me without much trouble to the roo. Kangaroo wins, definitely.
-Cara

1) The legs are killer. They probably rape and pillage villages by themselves, let alone kill weak humans.
2) Their hands- they may not look like much, but they are claws. And for the love of God, if you put boxing gloves on them... Game over man, game over.
...And that's it. A kangaroo would probably kill me, and if I saw a rabid one in the wild, I would run away. LIke a little girl.
-Paul

Conclusion!!1!

There you have it, in a landslide decision, the Red Kangaroo would officially kick the crap out of Humans. As Cara said, evolution has actually helped out the kangaroo by making them streamlined and muscular. If you look through those youtube videos again, you see the ridiculous force behind the kicks. If you look at the youtube video where the kangaroo takes down two grown adult humans, I think it's pretty obvious that these guys are geared for fighting!

I don't think that there is really anything other to say in this conclusion other than that a kangaroo can definately kick the crap out of a human. Period. Finite. Aloha. Etc.

For your enjoyment, some kangaroo cuteness:

You (2) - The Zoo (2)

Animal #4: The Red Kangaroo (Macropus rufus)

The Facts:

Following the unfortunateness (it's a word look it up) of the panda, we follow up with another lovable oddball of the animal kingdom: the Red Kangaroo.

A kangaroo is a marsupial from the family Macropodidae. In common use the term is used to describe the largest species from this family, the Red Kangaroo, the Antilopine Kangaroo, and the Eastern and Western Grey Kangaroo of the Macropus genus. The family also includes many smaller species which include the wallabies, tree-kangaroos, wallaroos, pademelons and the Quokka, some 63 living species in all.[1] Kangaroos are endemic to the continent of Australia, while the smaller macropods are found in Australia and New Guinea.

In general, larger kangaroos have adapted much better to changes wrought to the Australian landscape by humans, as many of their smaller cousins are endangered. However there is considerable controversy over farming of kangaroos for meat.

The kangaroo is an Australian icon: it is featured on the Australian Coat of Arms,[2] on some currency,[3] and is used by many Australian organisations, including Qantas.[4]

Kangaroos are the only large animals to use hopping as a means of locomotion. The comfortable hopping speed for Red Kangaroo is about 20–25 km/h (13–16 mph), but speeds of up to 70 km/h (44 mph) can be attained, over short distances, while it can sustain a speed of 40 km/h (25 mph) for nearly two kilometres.[10] This fast and energy-efficient method of travel has evolved because of the need to regularly cover large distances in search of food and water, rather than the need to escape predators.

Because of its long feet, it cannot walk normally. To move at slow speeds, it uses its tail to form a tripod with its two forelimbs. It then raises its hind feet forward, in a form of locomotion called "crawl-walking."[10]

The average life expectancy of a kangaroo is about 4–6 years, with some living until they are about 23.[11]

The Red Kangaroo (Macropus rufus) is the largest surviving marsupial anywhere in the world. Fewer in numbers, the Red Kangaroo occupies the arid and semi-arid centre of the continent. A large male can be 2 metres (6 ft 7 in) tall and weigh 90 kg (200 lb).^[9]

Kangaroos are large herbivores, feeding on grass and roots, and they chew cud.[12] Many species are nocturnal[13] and crepuscular,[14] usually spending the days idling quietly and the cool evenings, nights and mornings moving about and feeding, typically in packs.[12]

Because of its grazing, the kangaroo has developed specialized teeth. Its incisors are able to crop grass close to the ground, and its molars chop and grind the grass. Since the two sides of the lower jaw are not joined together, the lower incisors are farther apart, giving the kangaroo a wider bite. The silica in grass is abrasive, so kangaroo molars move forward as they are ground down, and eventually fall out, replaced by new teeth that grow in the back.[10]

Different kangaroos also prefer different diets. The Red Kangaroo prefers dry grasses to juicy plants, because juicy grasses are very bulky, and the water inside takes too much space. The two gray kangaroo species, however, prefer soft, fresher grasses, as it is a woodland animal, opposed to the desert environment of the Red Kangaroo.[10]

In dry weather, all kangaroos hold food in their digestive system for a longer period of time to absorb the last bits of moisture. However, grey kangaroos are more prone to dehydration, because they do not have much need to conserve water in their woodland habitat.[10]

Kangaroos are shy and retiring by nature, and in normal circumstances present no threat to humans. Male kangaroos often "box" amongst each other, playfully, for dominance, or in competition for mates. The dexterity of their forepaws is utilised in both punching and grappling with the foe, but the real danger lies in a serious kick with the hindleg. The sharpened toenails can disembowel an opponent.

There are very few records of kangaroos attacking humans without provocation, however several such unprovoked attacks in 2004 spurred fears of a rabies-like disease possibly affecting the marsupials. The only reliably documented case of a fatality from a kangaroo attack occurred in New South Wales, in 1936. A hunter was killed when he tried to rescue his two dogs from a heated fray. Other suggested causes for erratic and dangerous kangaroo behaviour include extreme thirst and hunger.

Tim's Opinion:

I saw one youtube video of kangaroo versus humans and I gotta say, a kangaroo may kick the living crap out of me. In fact, I'm all but sure that a kangaroo can kick the living crap out of me. If you don't know what youtube video I'm talking about, take a look:



The kangaroo first punches the living shit out of that poor lady and kicks her. Then when her husband, who looks about my size, gets punched and then kicked to the floor by the kangaroo. The CRAZIEST and SCARIEST thing about a kangaroo is that it is a natural boxer. It is light on its feet and it is constantly moving. BOB AND WEAVE! BOB AND WEAVE! Friggin Muhammad Ali would be proud of that little bastard.

Alright, lets make a comparison. Muhammad Ali is 6'3 and during his fighting days, he was 183-236lbs. He is considered the best boxer in the history of boxing. A kangaroo, at least the Australian Red Kangaroo, can reach up to 6'7 and can get up 200 lbs. This little bastard will definitely float like a butterfly and sting like a bee!

The kangaroo is the exact opposite of the panda. It is 200 lbs. of pure muscle and stands a nice proportional height. Most importantly, it is agile and athletic! Here's the thing about the kangaroo that's different than the panda. The kangaroos actually practice fighting and they do it as a part of their livelihood. How do they determine who is the dominate male? They BOX! What do pandas do? Eating contest. Take a look at a couple kangaroos having a boxing match. Not only do they box, they balance on their tails to give a nice little front kick that'll probably break something:



There you have it. I concede defeat to these cute little buggers. I equate a kangaroo to a trained boxer or a MMA (mixed martial artist). They hover right around my size but goddam, they have a lot more skill at fighting and I'm sure they can take a lot more punishment than I could. I know one of those kicks right to my gut would not be fun times.

I'm sure some people will state that they could take a kangaroo because, hell, they look and fight just like a human. I don't know. I am very skeptical. My only thought on how I could beat a kangaroo would be to bum rush it at the beginning of the fight and get it off its feet. Then I could just grapple with it on the ground since they won't be able to use those powerful legs. There's always that chance that when I'm bum rushing it, it's just gonna hop on its tail and double front kick me in the face. Then I'd be dead and you wouldn't get to read this blog anymore.

Hrmm...the more I think about it, this reminds me of my kung fu days. It'd be like going against a very very good sparring partner. Not Bruce Lee level since they are just punching, kicking, no defense. I still don't like the fact that they stand on their tail and get full extension on their kicks. The whole "sharpened nails can disembowel an opponent" scares me... Hrmm, on second thought, maybe I'm less confident about fighting a kangaroo...

There you have it, I predict most men lose against these wily little bastards. What odds am I giving myself? If I were a betting man (which I am), I'd give myself 20% chance. I think on a good day, I could take down a kangaroo two out of 10 times. Granted, I'd probably be a bloody pulp but I would have taken down these rat bastards...

Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep on my panda pillow. I look forward to all of your comments.

CLICK HERE TO ADD TO THE DISCUSSION

Results: Animal #3 - The Panda

Results from Discussion and the Poll

The poll says the panda loses in a landslide victory: 7-1!!! Can't say that I'm utterly shocked by this result but there seemed to be some heavy debate about whether a panda could take a human down and I'm a little surprised that the vote is 7 - 1. For the amount of discussion I heard, I would have assumed it would have been 5 - 3 or something along those lines. Anyways, onto the good stuff!

Excerpts from the discussion on "Man vs. Panda"

But then it is only 20 lbs heavier than me. 20 LBS PEOPLE! I am in pretty good shape but not perfect, and this damn BEAR is only 20 pounds heavier than me. It should be like 100 pounds heavier than me. Which means I just take advantage of it. Move quick, hard hits to the head- eventually, the panda would become disoriented and I would be able to just destroy the panda.
-Paul

I have to say that I agree with you Tim Timmery. I don't think that I could take a panda, but do think that the average male could take one. I also don't think I could take a 250lb drunk man either, but wouldn't mind watching Tim try his hand at it!
-LMW

I believe that I could take a panda, after watching that movie, I don't think I would want to, but I think a couple of good kicks to knock it around and it would be over. What is interesting though, is that the only videos we ever see of Panda's is when they aren't threatened, I mean maybe they hulk out when they feel they are in real danger...
-Andrew

Angry panda's obviously don't hulk out because the cause of death for a murdered panda is "falling from a high place" and "scratches and other minor injuries caused by other wild pandas". If it were "torn limb from limb" or "savagely eviscerated", I'd be a little more worried. All it takes are a couple of minor scratches to get one running for its life. Keep in mind this is a panda that had "nearly three years of training in survival techniques and defense tactics". If I had three years of survival and defense training, I'd be a complete bad ass ninja/death machine. As for the weight issue: If you kick a 250lb man in the face, testicles, shins or kidneys, he is going down. Like I told Tim: The only animal dumb enough to get killed by wild pandas is... another panda.
-Marc

Why cant we all just be friends!!! i would bring a tv with me to the ring, and some popcorn, then me and the panda would watch a movie and become the bestest of friends. Just when it thinks theres enough "chemistry" that it can put its head on my shoulder, i will stroke its head (the one that holds its brain you sickos!) and then i will stangle it with my Ohh so long armpit hair..??
-sapan (the indian panda romancer)


Conclusion!!1!

I was at a lost for words when trying to debate why an average human should be able to kill a panda (not that you'd want to...look at the cute little bastards...he's trying to smoke...). But I soon realized after doing more and more research that the panda is so incredibly awkward, it is right up there with the Dodo bird, the platypus and the armadillo as the lovable losers of the animal kingdom (I guess the Dodo bird is the biggest loser since it isn't around anymore...wah wah wah...).

I gave you that chart on the size of the panda versus all the other cool, kick ass bears. In comparison, the panda is the runt of the family. He probably got beat up in bear high school and got shoved into lockers and all that good stuff. If you think about it, panda bears are kinda emo-ish. They just kinda mope around and they wear a lot of black. I digress...the Yao Ming of panda bears is pushing five feet tall. Think about that. The tallest of their species is 5 feet tall. Yet the pandas average 200 to the mid 200s. That's a lot of weight in a very small amount of area. A lot of our commentators agreed that the size and the agility of the bear (who gets killed by wild pandas?!?) was no match for an average human. A human has the reach, the agility and hopefully, the intelligence to avoid the pointy parts of a panda.

Therefore, the panda is joining the coyote in the "Evolution Hasn't Done Shit For Me Lately" category! For your viewing pleasure, watch a panda cub sneeze and totally scare the crap out of its mom:

You (2) - The Zoo (1)

Animal #3: The Giant Panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca)

The Facts:
Basic info about a sometimes cute, sometimes disgusting teddy bear:

The giant panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca, "black-and-white cat-foot"; Chinese: 大熊貓) is a mammal classified in the bear family, Ursidae, native to central-western and southwestern China.^[1] It is easily recognized by its large, distinctive black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its round body. Though belonging to the order Carnivora, the panda has a diet which is 99% bamboo. However, they may eat other foods such as honey, eggs, fish and yams.

The Giant Panda is an endangered animal; an estimated 3,000 pandas live in the wild and over 180 were reported to live in captivity by August 2006 in mainland China(another source by the end of 2006 put the figure for China at 221), with twenty pandas living outside of China. However, reports show that the numbers of wild panda are on the rise.

The giant panda is a favorite of the public, at least partly on account of the fact that the species has an appealing baby-like cuteness that makes it seem to resemble a living teddy bear. The fact that it is usually depicted reclining peacefully eating bamboo, as opposed to hunting, also adds to its image of innocence. Though the giant panda is often assumed docile because of their cuteness, they have been known to attack humans, usually assumed to be out of irritation rather than predatory behavior. However research shows that in cases in which its offspring may be under threat, the panda can and most often will react violently.

The Giant Panda has a very distinctive black-and-white coat. Adults measure around 1.5 m long and around 75 cm tall at the shoulder. Males can weigh up to 115 kg (253 pounds). Females are generally smaller than males, and can occasionally weigh up to 100 kg (220 pounds). Giant Pandas live in mountainous regions, such as Sichuan, Gansu, Shaanxi, and Tibet. While the Chinese dragon has been historically a national emblem for China, since the latter half of the 20th century the Giant Panda has also become an informal national emblem for China. Its image appears on a large number of modern Chinese commemorative silver, gold, and platinum coins.

Until recently, scientists thought giant pandas spent most of their lives alone, with males and females meeting only during the breeding season. Recent studies paint a different picture, in which small groups of pandas share a large territory and sometimes meet outside the breeding season.

Like most subtropical mammals, but unlike most bears, the giant panda does not hibernate.

Despite its taxonomic classification as a carnivore, the panda has a diet that is primarily herbivorous, which consists almost exclusively of bamboo. However, pandas still have the digestive system of a carnivore and do not have the ability to digest cellulose efficiently, and thus derive little energy and little protein from consumption of bamboo. The average Giant Panda eats as much as 20 to 30 pounds of bamboo shoots a day. Because pandas consume a diet low in nutrition, it is important that they keep their digestive tract full.

As the average temperature of the region has increased, the panda has pushed its habitat to a higher altitude and limited available space. Furthermore, the timber profit gained from harvesting bamboo has destroyed a significant portion of the food supply for the wild panda. Because of all these elements the population of wild pandas decreased by 50 percent from 1973-1984 in six areas of Asia.

Twenty-five species of bamboo are eaten by pandas in the wild, but it is hard to live in the remains of a forest and feed on dying plants in a rugged landscape. Only a few bamboo species are widespread at the high altitudes pandas now inhabit. Bamboo leaves contain the highest protein levels; stems have less.

Because of the synchronous flowering, death, and regeneration of all bamboo within a species, pandas must have a least two different species available in their range to avoid starvation. The panda's round face is an adaptation to its bamboo diet. Their powerful jaw muscles attach from the top of the head to the jaw. Large molars crush and grind fibrous plant material. While primarily herbivorous, the panda still retains decidedly ursine teeth, and will eat meat, fish, and eggs when available. In captivity, zoos typically maintain the pandas' bamboo diet, though some will provide specially formulated biscuits or other dietary supplements.
(source = the always reliable wikipedia.org)

Tim's Opinion:

Unlike the coyote and the ostrich, I have intimate knowledge of this animal. I was in China last summer and went to visit the national panda reserve in Chengdu. Let me just tell you, the panda has ZERO chance of killing me in a fight. They are sloths in bear form. These guys just sit on their asses all day and try to look cute. They don't generally look like the crisp, clean white and black that you always see in pictures or in movies. These fools are DIRTY. Most of the pandas we saw were greyish and black. It isn't a very appealing sight. And a majority of the time they are just lounging around, eating bamboo or sleeping. This does not strike terror into my heart.

I'm going to create an equivalent to fighting a the Giant Panda. Do you have someone in your family that is "large?" I'm trying to be as PC as possible about this but do you have someone in your family who just sits on their ass all day, eats Slim Jims and plays video games? So these guys are pushing 250+ and don't really have the most agility. Now imagine that brother, uncle, cousin, etc. drunk off their ass. That is my equivalent to fighting a Giant Panda.

I know what about 99% of you are going to say: "But it's a bear!" Just because it falls under the classification of "bear" doesn't mean it is going to kill me like a polar bear or a grizzly bear would. You have to see these things in action, they are slow, lumbering beast who eat ALL DAY. What do they eat all day?!? BAMBOO! Correct me if I'm wrong but most OTHER bears also fish, hunt and fight for their food. So unless one of these pandas learn kung fu and break off a bamboo stalk and use it as a staff, I'm going to kick the shit out of this panda.

Another fact for those of you who are going to claim the "but it's a bear defense." The panda, at its TALLEST, will be pushing five feet. At it's TALLEST. For everyone that is thinking of a grizzly bear or a brown bear or even a polar bear, lets look at their heights & weights:

Grizzly Bear: 1.7m to 2.8m (5.6 to 9.2 feet!!!)
Polar Bear: 2.4 to 3.0m (7.9 - 10 feet!!!)
Panda Bear: up to 1.5 m (up to 4.8 feet)

Grizzly Bear: 180-680 (400-1500lbs.)
Polar Bears: 300-600kg (660-1320lbs.)
Panda Bear: up to 115kg (253lbs.)

So taking on a panda would be like taking on a polar bear cub. Or a grizzly bear midget (or "little bear" for political correctness.) I really hope a human would be able to take one of these down. Think about your own body mass and height and then realize how short and fat 4.5 feet and 250 pounds is. Then realize they walk on all fours and eat bamboo all day. Please tell me where this vicious idea of a panda comes in. This bear is 4.5 when standing in its HIND LEGS. Which means when it's on all fours it's probably 2 feet tall at the most.

The one issue I'd have is how I'm going to kill the panda...it'd probably have to be the same way as a 250lb. fatty. I'll have to go to town on it for awhile as it can probably take a SUBSTANTIAL amount of damage. I'll have to work the face as if I work the body, I'll probably be in for a long day.

I am so confident that I could take down a panda that I am at a loss for words. Let these articles sum up the pandas survival/fighting skills:

Man bites panda after zoo attack

A drunken Chinese tourist says he bit a panda who attacked him after he jumped into a zoo enclosure to "hug" the bear.

Zhang Xinyan, 35, had drunk four draught beers before deciding to enter the Beijing Zoo pen belonging to six-year-old male panda Gu Gu.

The startled Gu Gu bit both legs of his intruder, who responded by biting "the panda on its back", Mr Zhang was quoted by state media as saying.

Mr Zhang said he had not realised pandas could be violent.

He told the Beijing Morning Post that he had come to the Chinese capital "only to see the pandas".

"The seven-hour train ride was exhausting, and I drank bottles of beer when I arrived then had a nap," he added.

Punishment

The newspaper said Mr Zhang had a "sudden urge" to touch Gu Gu with his hand, so he jumped over the waist-high railing into the enclosure.

"When he got closer and was undiscovered, he reached out to hug it," the newspaper added.

Mr Zhang was bitten first on his right leg, and then on his left.

Newspaper photographs showed him lying on a hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages over his legs.

"I bit the panda on its back but its fur was too thick," Mr Zhang recalled.

He went on: "No one ever said they would bite people. I just wanted to touch it."

Zoo spokeswoman Ye Mingxia said the panda was unharmed and they were not considering punishing Mr Zhang yet.

"He's suffered quite a bit of a shock," she told the Associated Press by telephone.

And another:

Panda that was released into wild dies

Thu May 31, 5:49 AM ET

The first panda to be released into bamboo forests after being bred in captivity has died, and a Chinese nature preserve official said Thursday it may have fallen from trees while being chased by wild pandas.

The body of Xiang Xiang was found Feb. 19 on snow-covered ground in the forests of Sichuan province in China's southwest, the Xinhua News Agency said. He survived less than a year in the wild after nearly three years of training in survival techniques and defense tactics.

"Xiang Xiang died of serious internal injuries in the left side of his chest and stomach by falling from a high place," Heng Yi, an official from the Wolong Giant Panda Research Center in Sichuan, said in a telephone interview.

"The scratches and other minor injuries caused by other wild pandas were found on his body," he said. "So Xiang Xiang may have fallen from trees when being chased by those pandas."

Heng said the long delay in announcing Xiang Xiang's death was attributed to the need for a full investigation.

"We are all sad about Xiang Xiang, but it doesn't mean the project has failed," Zhang Hemin, the center's head, was quoted as saying by Xinhua. "The lessons we have learnt from what happened to Xiang Xiang will help us adapt and improve the project."

The 176-pound male panda was released from Wolong in April 2006 and had been trained for almost three years on how to survive in the wild. Xiang Xiang, whose name means auspicious, learned how to build a den, forage for food and mark his territory, experts at Wolong have said. He also developed defensive skills such as howling and biting.

According to Li Desheng, deputy director of the Wolong center, Xiang Xiang's case shows that proves that wild panda communities are reluctant to accept male outsiders.

"We chose Xiang Xiang because we thought that a strong male panda would have a better chance of surviving in the harsh natural environment," Li was quoted as saying. "But the other male pandas clearly saw Xiang Xiang as a threat. Next time we will choose a female panda."

State media last year said that Xiang Xiang hesitated for a second when the door of his cage was opened, then scampered off into a nearby bamboo forest where he was tracked by a global positioning device attached to his collar.

He has been buried at the foot of a mountain, about eight miles from the Wolong center, Li said.

There are only about 1,600 wild pandas in the mountain forests of central China — the only place in the world they are found — and more than 180 live in captivity.

Pandas are threatened by loss of habitat, poaching and a low reproduction rate. Females in the wild typically have a cub once every two to three years.

Look at the size of the panda compared to a human:

There you have it. A panda bites a man and instead of panicking or being, oh I don't know, DEAD, the guy BITES THE PANDA BACK! How many bears would let you bite them. I'm going to count one: the panda. I wait to hear your responses because I know someone is going to be like, "but they're bearssssss...wah wah wah."


Do you think you can take down an PANDA? DISCUSS...

The official results will be tallied next Monday night!

RESULTS: Animal #2 - The Ostrich

Results from Discussion and the Poll

The poll states that there is a tie! 2 have voted for beating ostrich, while 2 have voted against beating an ostrich. (NEED MORE PEOPLE VOTING!)

Here are some excerpts from the discussion on "Man vs. Ostrich

The legs. Those ostriches run really god damn fast. So imagine if one was able to kick / claw at you. One kick to the chest, and it would run away and leave you to die. Either that, or it would rend your freakin arm off with a swipe. -paul


Also, an ostrich kick can kill a lion. And yes, it does kick forward rather than backward. Avian anatomy is different from mammal anatomy. The visible part of the leg is actually the shin and the foot -- they walk on their toes only. Their knees work exactly like ours, but they're obscured from view by those feathers. So, do not belittle the ostrich kick, or you may end up like this guy: http://youtube.com/watch?v=6od-uYSZIkc

In summation, I conclude that an ostrich could kick my ass any day. They're taller, heavier, and faster than me. I wouldn't mess with that shit. Also, they don't have a bladder. Not only would it kick my ass but I'd be covered in excrement. I'll pass on that one. -Cara

Conclusion!!1!

In terms of a tie, we have to go through the "expert" testimonial from our "experts." Seeing how I know Cara has actually taken classes in avian anatomy and has studied birds much more deeply than I, I have to weigh her comments/opinions much more heavily than my own. (Of course I have absolutely no expertise regarding any of these animals but I like to pretend to.)

Right now, I'm still having a hard time believing that an ostrich would be able take me down in one-on-one combat. But I am definitely in the minority here. And again, I have never EVER taken classes in avian physiology, behavior, etc., so I am definitely going with what Cara said. My only issue is that they may have all the mechanics to physically destroy, I just hear far too many anecdotes about ostriches being more cowardly than aggressive. I keep on thinking back to the head in the sand and running away from baby zebras. But, You vs. the Zoo will break this tie and rule in favor of the ostrich by a close, CLOSE margin.

Odds-wise, I'm looking at 40-60 (human-ostrich).

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE OSTRICH! Nature goes to prove that even if you are hideous and freaky looking, you probably have some other special skill to help you out there in nature!

You (1) - The Zoo (1)

Animal #2: The Ostrich (Struthio camelus)

The Facts:
Basic information about a big, ugly chicken (Yes, I am talking shit to an ostrich):

The Ostrich (Struthio camelus) is a flightless bird native to Africa. It is the only living species of its family, Struthionidae, and its genus, Struthio. It is distinctive in its appearance, with a long neck and legs and the ability to run at speeds of about 65 km/h (40 mph), the top landspeed of any bird.

Ostriches usually weigh from 93 to 130 kg (200 to 285 pounds), although some male ostriches have been recorded with weights of up to 155 kg (340 pounds). The feathers of adult males are mostly black, with some white on the wings and tail. Their eyes are larger than their brains.

At sexual maturity (two to four years old), male Ostriches can be between 1.8 m and 2.7 m (6 feet and 9 feet) in height, while female Ostriches range from 1.7 m to 2 m (5.5 ft to 6.5 ft). During the first year of life, chicks grow about 25 cm (10 inches) per month. At one year, ostriches weigh around 45 kg (100 pounds). An Ostrich can live up to 75 years.

Ostriches are the largest living species of bird and are farmed in many areas all over the world. The scientific name for the Ostrich is from the Greek for "camel sparrow" in allusion to its long neck.

Ostriches live in nomadic groups of 5 to 50 birds that often travel together with other grazing animals, such as zebras or antelopes. They mainly feed on seeds and other plant matter; occasionally they also eat insects such as locusts. Lacking teeth, they swallow pebbles that help as gastroliths to grind the swallowed foodstuff in the gizzard. An adult ostrich typically carries about 1 kg of stones in its stomach. Ostriches can go without water for a long time, exclusively living off the moisture in the ingested plants. However, they enjoy water and frequently take baths.

With their acute eyesight and hearing, they can sense predators such as lions from far away. When being pursued by a predator, Ostriches have been known to reach speeds in excess of 70 km per hour (45 miles per hour), and can maintain a steady speed of 50 km per hour (30 miles per hour).

Ostriches are known to eat almost anything (dietary indiscretion), particularly in captivity where opportunity is increased.

When lying down and hiding from predators, the birds lay their head and neck flat on the ground, making them appear as a mound of earth from a distance. This even works for the males, as they hold their wings and tail low so that the heat haze of the hot, dry air that often occurs in their habitat aids in making them appear as a nondescript dark lump. When threatened, Ostriches run away, but they can cause serious injury with kicks from their powerful legs. (source the always reliable wikipedia.org)

Tim's Opinion:

Alright, I gotta say that an ostrich is much more intimidating than a coyote. Let's look at the physical attributes. An ostrich it anywhere from 6 feet tall to 9 feet tall? Umm...yeah, that's kind of intimidating knowing that even if I fight a midget ostrich, it'll be the right height to just poke me right in the eye. (For those of you who know me well, I'm terrified of having anything bad happen to my eyes. ) And just think it's 9 feet tall. 9 FEET TALL! That means if I want to punch it in the face, I gotta get my Reebok Pumps on, pump those bad boys up, stretch a little and then leap with all my might to just punch a damn ostrich in the face. That's a lot of work to sucker punch an ostrich.

Another thing! The ostrich weighs anywhere from 200 to 300 pounds? Another negative for the human side. Although America features many 200 to 300 pound people, they don't seem to be in the same shape an ostrich is. The 200 to 300 pound people of America definitely cannot run 40 MPH. So you have a 200+ lb. beast who can run 40mph. Sounds intimidating since I don't think the whole punching it until it submits approach will work. The coyote was 30 pounds and wouldn't have been able to take a beating. However, an ostrich would be able to take more of a beating and counter attack. It's probably like a big, feathery punching bag that could peck you into submission.

Let's look at how an ostrich could potentially kill me. The ostrich could peck me to death. I'm not sure how hard an ostrich pecks but I imagine, it can probably get enough force behind that long neck to equal a pretty healthy punch. And this punch has a beak at the end of it which probably adds to the pain coefficient (hurh?). I'd guess an ostrich would have to peck me on the head and the chest the same way a boxer would punch me until I got knocked out. Then once I'm down and out, it could trample me with it's 200lb.+ body and massive drumsticks. It also could kick me but it seems to have the type of legs that have a very nice back kick but not too much of a front kick. So as long as I'm in front of it, I don't have to worry about those legs.

Now here's where it gets interesting. An ostrich could not and would not take me out. It's main diet are "seeds and other plant matter." SEEDS AND OTHER PLANT MATTER?!? And I'm supposed to be afraid of this thing? Come on! How can you stand nine feet tall and eat seeds? If I were nine feet tall I'd eat things that were slightly less than nine feet tall! Let us put it in some simple language, the ostrich is a coward. How many cartoons have you seen of an ostrich putting its head into a hole when it is scared. Come on. A coyote would at least fight me. If I jumped around, made a bunch of noise and basically scared the living shit out of it I think an ostrich would get scared, stick its head into a hole and the you would see me step on the back of the poor bird's neck. Game over, tip your waitresses.

Other weak spots of the "camel sparrow." It's got really long legs apart from its rather thick and meaty body. What does that mean? Well, let's take another look at a freak of nature. The Golden State Warriors had a player on their team during the 1990s named Manute Bol. He was 7'7 and about 95 pounds. Let me tell you, those 95 pounds were all in his torso as his legs looked like toothpicks. If you wanted to take him down, you could give me a nice little chop block to the legs and he'd be down on the ground and out for the count. Could you do this to an ostrich? I say, without a doubt, "YES!" Sweep the legs Johnny! Once the ostrich is off its feet and on its ass, I think it's nighty night for the ostrich.

How would you kill the ostrich you ask? Let's look at the ostrich. Probably could not beat the stuffing out of it because it looks pretty meaty. So unlike the coyote, pure strength and size isn't going to win this fight. What will win this fight? Man's sadistic side. Man looks at an ostrich and sees: a) long neck b) long legs. What does that equal? Two related targets. You take out the ostrich's legs anyway of your choosing. Let's remember you don't need to apply much pressure directly to a kneecap to break it (think Joe Theisman). Once you take out the ostrich's legs, it'll be immobile. It doesn't use its wings for much and I don't think it's gonna do much damage with them. So now you have a sitting duck, so to speak, and you can just jump on its back and attack that freakishly long neck of its. Feel free to do the Jet Li/Jack Bauer neck snap or throw on a sleeper hold on that son of a bitch. Or since it is just sitting there, just jump on its back like it's a trampoline until you hear a "CRACK!".

Obviously, the key to this battle is being able to take out the ostrich's legs. Once you have it grounded, this fight is over. I don't think the ostrich's ability to run 40mph really affects you because you are not on the Savannah. It uses its speed as a defense mechanism not as an offensive tool. So what you have to worry about: a) getting caught by a kick because it looks like a blow from those legs will knock you out; b) getting pecked in somewhere vital. It doesn't seem like ostrich really uses its beak as an offensive weapon against predators but hell, getting poked in the throat or in the eye or in the gut a couple too many times would probably drop you for awhile...long enough for it to sit on you; c) it somehow getting the idea that it could run at you at 40mph and just tackle you. Here's the problem with this idea, the ostrich's brain is smaller than its eye. I don't think it's gonna get too make bright ideas (says the boy discussing whether he could beat up an ostrich). Get some ranch sauce because this big chicken is getting fried...or broiled, whatever.


A little baby zebra chases off an ostrich. Let's remember, a zebra is basically Africa's cow...mmmm double bacon zebra burger.



Comparison in size of ostrich vs man. (looks like a small female ostrich, otherwise those are the tallest damn Asian people ever.)



Do you think you can take down an ostrich? DISCUSS...

The official results will be tallied next Monday night!

RESULTS: Animal #1 - The Coyote

Results from Discussion and the Poll

In a landslide victory, 8 individuals voted that they could kill a coyote while only 1 voted that they could not.

Here are some excerpts from the discussion on "Man vs. Coyote"

i'll proceed to snap each of it little limbs into a few piece, kick it in its rib cage and rip its eyeballs out of the damn thing's sockets. i'll manage a few coyote bites. they'll be nothing but superficial scratches. It'll be taken care off by some neosporin and a few glow-in-the-dark disney bandaids

jeremy kick coyote ass, mangg.
-jeremy


I think for me, i would sacrifice a little of my belly blubber, let the coyote bite me in the stomach and hold on for dear life, as tim said a coyote would, and then beat the shit out of it. Maybe poke its eyes out or something.

In the end, its a win-win situation... i beat the coyote, and i won't have to pay for liposuction!!!
-sapan

Pro-me-kicking-ass:
Coyotes don't have the reach my leg does, I think I could get some kicks in on it, really anywhere and I think I could wear it down. Sure it might bite my foot, but in a life or death situation, I feel I could keep kicking with a bit foot.
-andrew


I think the shock and resulting adrenaline would allow you to destroy the coyote before you passed out. Though I am sure the sight of a tattered groin area would take care of that right away.

Either that, or you would black out, and then wake up with a dead coyote next to you.

So basically, even after groin bite, I think the coyote still dies.
-paul


If you've got a coyote in a ring, its going to fight like a cornered animal, not like a crafty predator. The person is the predator in this situation. If you are in a fight with any animal that isn't a pushover you are going to get hurt in some way, its just a question of how badly. A coyote simply can't inflict a lethal amount of damage to an adult human in decent physical condition.
-marc

Conclusion!!1!

Wile E. Coyote is waving good bye because he knows that coyotes do not stand a chance against road runners, much less humans.

From our "expert" panel of commentators and judges, the coyote is just too small and too fragile to compete against a fully grown human. The coyote, while potentially dangerous, would have to get extremely lucky to injure a human in an area where they could not recover from. We are talking about a bite to the neck. Since coyotes average a height of 2 feet tall, they will have to jump roughly 3 - 4 feet in the air to be able to attack the throat. While attacking the crotch may have its benefits, some have stated that a bite to the crotch may only make them go into a beserker mode and kill the poor coyote ruthlessly.

Also stated is that a coyote can only bite and therefore only has one weapon/one defense tool. If the coyote strikes first, our commentators have assumed that you will either be bitten in the thigh or the arm leaving three of the four human appendages free to attack the coyote. Seeing how the coyote is only 30lbs, they believe the force they can put behind a punch/kick is suffice to injure and kill a coyote.

Therefore, the coyote is the first entry in the "Evolution Hasn't Done Shit for Me Lately!!!" contest.

You (1) - The Zoo (0)

Animal #1: The Coyote (Canis latrans)

The Facts:

Let's start with the animal that inspired the discussion topic: the coyote. Here is some basic information on the coyote:

Coyotes are native to North America and are found from Alaska to Panama. European explorers first encountered these canines during their travels in the American Southwest. They may occasionally assemble in small packs, but generally hunt alone. Coyotes live an average of 6 to 10 years.

The coyote stands less than 0.6 meters (2 ft) tall and varies in color from white-gray to tan with sometimes a reddish tint to its coat. A coyote's ears and nose appear long and pointed, especially in relation to the size of its head. It weighs between 9 and 22 kilograms (20–50 lb), averaging 14 kilograms (31 lb).

Their behavior can vary widely depending on where they live, but in general they live in packs yet hunt singly in search of small mammals including rabbits, mice, shrews, voles, squirrels, grouse, carrion, insects and sometimes sheep, and fish. In areas where coyotes and deer co-exist, an adult coyote will typically prey on one fawn per year. The majority of deer found in coyote scats comes from carrion, such as road-killed and hunter-killed deer or victims of starvation or disease (Morey 2004). The coyote is an omnivore and adapts its diet to the available food sources including fruits, grasses, and vegetables along with small mammals and even trash.
(source: wikipedia.org =p)

Tim's Opinion:
Come on, a coyote doesn't look all that scary. Sure, it may have a few sharp teeth and animal instincts but look how it hunts! It just hops around like a little ballerina! (No offense ballerinas, I know you are all an incredibly tough bunch...and flexible) Besides the teeth, the coyote looks like a little doggie. I mean would it be really that hard to take down a coyote? Let's look at its stats: it's 30 lbs and roughly 2 feet tall. So I got about 4 feet and 150 pounds on this thing.

In reality, how is the coyote gonna kill me. It can only go for two vital areas, the throat or the face...well three if we count the most important vital area... Well I guess he could bite me in the leg but that bite in the leg would have to make me fall to ensure that I don't start wailing on it with my two free hands while it's tearing in to my meaty calf...hell, even if I fell, the coyote better hope I don't FALL ON IT. The coyote is 30 LBS. Think about that 30lbs. You can curl that with one arm. I don't think a 30 lb creature could stand a barrage of punches to the ribs from a human or my fat ass falling on it. Call me crazy.

Also, all it uses is its mouth. It's not gonna pounce on me unless it's going to jump five feet in the air and land directly on my shoulders and then proceed to vampire bite me in the neck. It's only tool is its teeth because if it tries to swipe at me with its paws, it'll be hitting nothing but SHIN. It sucks to get hit in the shin but it won't kill me...just greatly annoy me. On the flipside us humans will kick, punch, headbutt, bite, eye poke, chokeslam, etc. So as long as I avoid being bitten in the neck, face or crotch, I think I could possibly kill a coyote before it killed me. I'm not giving myself great odds however, but I think it's fair to say it'd be a pretty entertaining fight.



Here's a coyote hunting field mice in the Marin Headlands.

Do you think you can take down a coyote? DISCUSS...

The official results will be tallied Tuesday night!

Welcome to the "You vs the Zoo": An Introduction

Welcome to the premiere place on the internet where intelligent people discuss the ability or inability to kill a wild animal. This discussion topic was inspired by the inspiring award-winning movie "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle." (I'm sure it won an award somewhere...probably at some cannabis club but still...an award is an award.)

In one scene, Harold and Kumar have just dodged a ravenous raccoon but find themselves lost in the forests of New York New Jersey (credit to Hoy Hoy). Harold hears a coyote's howl and becomes nervous but Kumar reassures Harold:

Harold: "What was that?"
Kumar: "Probably just a coyote."
Harold: "Aren't people supposed to be scared of coyotes?"
Kumar: "Naw, that's just 'cause they sound scary, man. In one-on-one combat, either of us could take down a coyote, no problem."
Harold: "What?!"

Here is a.mp3 version of the conversation (credit to www.gotwavs.com)

This dialogue has given birth to a discussion topic that has spread across the land: "What animal could a human beat in one-on-one-combat?" This question may sound stupid to begin with but you will find yourself racking your brain, calling long lost college roommates and yelling at spouses for thinking that they could kill a raccoon.

Start this conversation up at work, ask the hot girl at reception and I guarantee you will get some sort of response. Come back and report back here! No registration is required to post or respond to other people's opinions.