Results: Animal #3 - The Panda

Results from Discussion and the Poll

The poll says the panda loses in a landslide victory: 7-1!!! Can't say that I'm utterly shocked by this result but there seemed to be some heavy debate about whether a panda could take a human down and I'm a little surprised that the vote is 7 - 1. For the amount of discussion I heard, I would have assumed it would have been 5 - 3 or something along those lines. Anyways, onto the good stuff!

Excerpts from the discussion on "Man vs. Panda"

But then it is only 20 lbs heavier than me. 20 LBS PEOPLE! I am in pretty good shape but not perfect, and this damn BEAR is only 20 pounds heavier than me. It should be like 100 pounds heavier than me. Which means I just take advantage of it. Move quick, hard hits to the head- eventually, the panda would become disoriented and I would be able to just destroy the panda.
-Paul

I have to say that I agree with you Tim Timmery. I don't think that I could take a panda, but do think that the average male could take one. I also don't think I could take a 250lb drunk man either, but wouldn't mind watching Tim try his hand at it!
-LMW

I believe that I could take a panda, after watching that movie, I don't think I would want to, but I think a couple of good kicks to knock it around and it would be over. What is interesting though, is that the only videos we ever see of Panda's is when they aren't threatened, I mean maybe they hulk out when they feel they are in real danger...
-Andrew

Angry panda's obviously don't hulk out because the cause of death for a murdered panda is "falling from a high place" and "scratches and other minor injuries caused by other wild pandas". If it were "torn limb from limb" or "savagely eviscerated", I'd be a little more worried. All it takes are a couple of minor scratches to get one running for its life. Keep in mind this is a panda that had "nearly three years of training in survival techniques and defense tactics". If I had three years of survival and defense training, I'd be a complete bad ass ninja/death machine. As for the weight issue: If you kick a 250lb man in the face, testicles, shins or kidneys, he is going down. Like I told Tim: The only animal dumb enough to get killed by wild pandas is... another panda.
-Marc

Why cant we all just be friends!!! i would bring a tv with me to the ring, and some popcorn, then me and the panda would watch a movie and become the bestest of friends. Just when it thinks theres enough "chemistry" that it can put its head on my shoulder, i will stroke its head (the one that holds its brain you sickos!) and then i will stangle it with my Ohh so long armpit hair..??
-sapan (the indian panda romancer)


Conclusion!!1!

I was at a lost for words when trying to debate why an average human should be able to kill a panda (not that you'd want to...look at the cute little bastards...he's trying to smoke...). But I soon realized after doing more and more research that the panda is so incredibly awkward, it is right up there with the Dodo bird, the platypus and the armadillo as the lovable losers of the animal kingdom (I guess the Dodo bird is the biggest loser since it isn't around anymore...wah wah wah...).

I gave you that chart on the size of the panda versus all the other cool, kick ass bears. In comparison, the panda is the runt of the family. He probably got beat up in bear high school and got shoved into lockers and all that good stuff. If you think about it, panda bears are kinda emo-ish. They just kinda mope around and they wear a lot of black. I digress...the Yao Ming of panda bears is pushing five feet tall. Think about that. The tallest of their species is 5 feet tall. Yet the pandas average 200 to the mid 200s. That's a lot of weight in a very small amount of area. A lot of our commentators agreed that the size and the agility of the bear (who gets killed by wild pandas?!?) was no match for an average human. A human has the reach, the agility and hopefully, the intelligence to avoid the pointy parts of a panda.

Therefore, the panda is joining the coyote in the "Evolution Hasn't Done Shit For Me Lately" category! For your viewing pleasure, watch a panda cub sneeze and totally scare the crap out of its mom:

You (2) - The Zoo (1)