Animal #5: The Bald Eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus)

The Facts:

Let us take a look at our nation's national symbol and treasure...me.

The Bald Eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus), also known in the United States as the American Eagle, is a bird of prey found in North America, most recognizable as the national bird of the United States.

The species was on the brink of extirpation in the U.S. late in the twentieth century, but now has a stable population and is in the process of being removed from the U.S. federal government's list of endangered species. The Bald Eagle was officially reclassified from "Endangered" to "Threatened" on July 12, 1995 by the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service. On July 6, 1999, there was a proposal initiated "To Remove the Bald Eagle in the Lower 48 States From the List of Endangered and Threatened Wildlife."[1] It is expected to be delisted by June 29.

Body length ranges from 27 to 40 inches (68-100 cm). Adult females have an average wingspan of about 7 feet (2.1 meters); adult males have a wingspan of 6 ft 6 in (2 meters). Adult females weigh approximately 12.8 lb (5.8 kg), males weigh 9 lb (4.1 kg). The smallest specimens are those from Florida, where an adult male may barely exceed 5 lb (2.3 kg) and a wingspan of 6 feet (1.8 meters). The largest are the Alaskan birds, where large females may exceed 16.5 lb (7.5 kg) and have a wingspan of over 8 feet (2.4 meters).

Eagles sit at the top of the food chain, making them more vulnerable to toxic chemicals in the environment, since each link in the food chain tends to concentrate chemicals from the lower link. Because of their size, they have few enemies and require a large hunting area.

A bald eagle's lifting power is about 4 pounds. They do not generally feed on chickens or other domestic livestock, but they will make use of available food sources. Bald eagles will take advantage of carrion (dead and decaying flesh). Because of its scavenger image, some people dislike the bald eagle. Other people do not care for powerful and aggressive birds. Still other people object merely on the grounds that it is a bird of prey, which kills other animals for food.

Once an eagle spots a fish swimming or floating near the surface of the water, it approaches its prey in a shallow glide and snatches the fish out of the water with a quick swipe of its talons. Eagles can open and close their talons at will. If an eagle is dragged into the water by a fish too large for the eagle to lift, it is because the eagle refuses to release it. In some cases this is due to hunger. An eagle might drown during the encounter with the fish or if it's unable to swim far enough to reach shore. The eagle can not fly again until it's out of the water, so it uses its large wings to swim. The eagle is a strong swimmer, but if the water is very cold, it may be overcome by hypothermia.

The hunting area or home range patrolled by a bald eagle varies from 1,700 to 10,000 acres. Home ranges are smaller where food is present in great quantity. Because of the energy expended during hunting, an eagle has to spend a lot of time resting quietly. It's estimated that only one out of eighteen attacks are successful.

Though not as fast as falcons, bald eagles are fast fliers. When diving, where lift is less important than reaching drag, the eagle pulls in its wings to minimize their surface area.

Tim's Opinion:

Okay, first of all, National Park rangers, there is no chance that I actually mean to go beat up a bald eagle. Homeland Security, by no means am I supporting terrorism or attacking American family values or anything like that. Now that we got that out of the way and I am not a threat to America, let us get on to my opinion!

Originally I thought a bald eagle would kick my ass but the more and more I think about it I believe I could take that little bugger down. Let me first off say that I thought the bird was a little stronger than being able to lift four pounds of meat during flight. Perhaps it's that damn Lord of the Rings movie that made me think they would just pick up and eat me. Turns out, bald eagles aren't all that big. Here's a size comparison for you:


That guy isn't all that big compared to our pudgy bald eagle handler. One thing that's probably deceiving about this picture are the talons. My friendly neighborhood bird expert (thanks Cara!) states that the most dangerous part of the bald eagle is the talon. Take a look at the talon compared to the skull of the bald eagle and the egg of the bald eagle:

The talon is nothing to cough at as my bird expert told me that the talon would definitely rip through something fleshy like a hand with no problem. She also stated that the grip of the bald eagle is like a vice. It would most likely be able to cut off circulation if it grabbed onto to an arm or a leg.

I know you are probably looking at the beak but my bird expert told me to worry about the talons before you think about worrying about the beak. Let us take a look at how the bald eagle hunts its favorite food: fish.



For another view on bald eagles, lets see two bald eagles fighting each other (not the best idea when you're endangered):



Alright, let me show you my idiot proof technique to take down the bald eagle and potentially all flying animals. Before I get into my wonderful technique, let us take a moment to realize that a human is exponentially smarter than a bald eagle. You can do complex mathematic equations, conjure up hypothetical situations, etc. (please don't write in that the bald eagle could probably do that, they just haven't been given the opportunity...if you can't do either, fake it. I do.) So using our incredibly useful brain, we are going to turn the bald eagle's best weapons against it.

First of all, we need to protect the vital organs. So what we are going to do is lie down on our back like this:Instead of lifting your neck off the floor, just use your legs and arms to shield your torso and your head. Keep your head elevated enough to see the eagle but never ever have it raised higher than your legs or arms. DON'T MAKE YOUR HEAD A TARGET! By now, the eagle has hopefully taken off to the skies because if it hasn't just punt the damn thing for being so stupid. Talons are no good if you are walking on them suckah!

So while the birdie is circling you, your only goal is to position your body so that your legs are always aligned with the bird and that you can see it at all times. Make the view through your elevated legs a crosshair. Yes, you will look the like world's biggest idiot, but then again, you are fighting a bald eagle.

Now this is the part where your skill and timing come in to play and it will result in one of two ways which can both be beneficial:

Scenario 1: The bird will come flying in and you can just kick out your legs and either a) hit the bird or b) get close enough so you stun it. The second it hits the floor you pretend like its free cupcakes and you jump on the mfer. Poor little bastard only weighs 10lbs. Imagine when your body weight comes crashing down on it. Even if you miss, it's not going to stay around to have a close range battle. It's going to fly up again and try swooping down on you. Rinse repeat until effective.

Scenario 2: This is much much MUCH less fun but highly more probable. While you are in your little tucked position, the eagle makes its descent and you are too slow and it gets a talon on your thigh or your arms. In all likelihood, this eagle is going to clutch on to whatever it grabs so prepare to say goodbye to a limb. My bird expert tells me they have a vice grip and since the talons are freakishly sharp, they will probably just dig into your thigh, calf, forearm, bicep and probably hit a shitload of arteries. Your job, kill him before you pass out due to blood loss or pain.

If he clamps down on your thigh and starts pecking living hell out of it you just get your two hands and clap right on the birds head. Doing something like that on the birds head will probably kill it or disorient it badly enough for you to finish the job. After this, call up the best prosthetics guy because your leg will probably be mangled.

If he clamps down on your forearm or bicep, you have a free arm to wail away on the bird. If you have to BITE IT! It's biting you so you bite it back! Pull a vampire Jack Bauer on American's treasure! Get a little vengeance for all the Nemos of the world. Either way, you punch the birds lights out or you bite it. Hell, if you are flexible enough, use yours legs.

If you think this whole process is too complicated, watch this image to find the perfect way to dispatch a bald eagle:

I gotta say, this plan is near fool proof. The only way this eagle is going to kill you is if it brains you or if it strikes an internal organ. How is the eagle going to get you if you protect these things with your arms and legs?? Sure the eagle is probably smart enough to distinguish your head from your legs but if you were a flying animal and you were dive bombing something, would you go for the flailing limbs on top? I think so.

I know some people are gonna bitch and moan about the beak. Go look at every single nature video on youtube and watch that the eagle always ALWAYS leads with the claws. I don't think the eagle is in the lockerroom with John Madden, Larry Brown and Joe Torre game planning on suddenly using the beak after centuries of using the talons to attack its prey. Even still, if it leads with its beak, you still go with the same technique!

Now that my spiel is over with, bring on the comments!

Tell me why I'm wrong!

Results: Animal #4 - The Red Kangaroo

Results from Discussion and the Poll

Looks like there wasn't much on the discussion because it was pretty much unanimous that the Red Kangaroo would kick our asses. The final poll result was 0-6 in favor of the Red Kangaroo.

Having experienced kangaroos in the wild and the not-so-wild of an Australian free range animal park, I will agree with you here...They have incredibly strong legs, and I could see those doing a lot of damage. Additionally, I know someone who got just a little too close to a kangaroo and got drop kicked. He was minding his own business, but this guy weighs maybe 30 lbs more than me and is a couple inches taller. I imagine if I consciously tried to combat it in an arena it'd just kick the snot out of me without much trouble to the roo. Kangaroo wins, definitely.
-Cara

1) The legs are killer. They probably rape and pillage villages by themselves, let alone kill weak humans.
2) Their hands- they may not look like much, but they are claws. And for the love of God, if you put boxing gloves on them... Game over man, game over.
...And that's it. A kangaroo would probably kill me, and if I saw a rabid one in the wild, I would run away. LIke a little girl.
-Paul

Conclusion!!1!

There you have it, in a landslide decision, the Red Kangaroo would officially kick the crap out of Humans. As Cara said, evolution has actually helped out the kangaroo by making them streamlined and muscular. If you look through those youtube videos again, you see the ridiculous force behind the kicks. If you look at the youtube video where the kangaroo takes down two grown adult humans, I think it's pretty obvious that these guys are geared for fighting!

I don't think that there is really anything other to say in this conclusion other than that a kangaroo can definately kick the crap out of a human. Period. Finite. Aloha. Etc.

For your enjoyment, some kangaroo cuteness:

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Animal #4: The Red Kangaroo (Macropus rufus)

The Facts:

Following the unfortunateness (it's a word look it up) of the panda, we follow up with another lovable oddball of the animal kingdom: the Red Kangaroo.

A kangaroo is a marsupial from the family Macropodidae. In common use the term is used to describe the largest species from this family, the Red Kangaroo, the Antilopine Kangaroo, and the Eastern and Western Grey Kangaroo of the Macropus genus. The family also includes many smaller species which include the wallabies, tree-kangaroos, wallaroos, pademelons and the Quokka, some 63 living species in all.[1] Kangaroos are endemic to the continent of Australia, while the smaller macropods are found in Australia and New Guinea.

In general, larger kangaroos have adapted much better to changes wrought to the Australian landscape by humans, as many of their smaller cousins are endangered. However there is considerable controversy over farming of kangaroos for meat.

The kangaroo is an Australian icon: it is featured on the Australian Coat of Arms,[2] on some currency,[3] and is used by many Australian organisations, including Qantas.[4]

Kangaroos are the only large animals to use hopping as a means of locomotion. The comfortable hopping speed for Red Kangaroo is about 20–25 km/h (13–16 mph), but speeds of up to 70 km/h (44 mph) can be attained, over short distances, while it can sustain a speed of 40 km/h (25 mph) for nearly two kilometres.[10] This fast and energy-efficient method of travel has evolved because of the need to regularly cover large distances in search of food and water, rather than the need to escape predators.

Because of its long feet, it cannot walk normally. To move at slow speeds, it uses its tail to form a tripod with its two forelimbs. It then raises its hind feet forward, in a form of locomotion called "crawl-walking."[10]

The average life expectancy of a kangaroo is about 4–6 years, with some living until they are about 23.[11]

The Red Kangaroo (Macropus rufus) is the largest surviving marsupial anywhere in the world. Fewer in numbers, the Red Kangaroo occupies the arid and semi-arid centre of the continent. A large male can be 2 metres (6 ft 7 in) tall and weigh 90 kg (200 lb).^[9]

Kangaroos are large herbivores, feeding on grass and roots, and they chew cud.[12] Many species are nocturnal[13] and crepuscular,[14] usually spending the days idling quietly and the cool evenings, nights and mornings moving about and feeding, typically in packs.[12]

Because of its grazing, the kangaroo has developed specialized teeth. Its incisors are able to crop grass close to the ground, and its molars chop and grind the grass. Since the two sides of the lower jaw are not joined together, the lower incisors are farther apart, giving the kangaroo a wider bite. The silica in grass is abrasive, so kangaroo molars move forward as they are ground down, and eventually fall out, replaced by new teeth that grow in the back.[10]

Different kangaroos also prefer different diets. The Red Kangaroo prefers dry grasses to juicy plants, because juicy grasses are very bulky, and the water inside takes too much space. The two gray kangaroo species, however, prefer soft, fresher grasses, as it is a woodland animal, opposed to the desert environment of the Red Kangaroo.[10]

In dry weather, all kangaroos hold food in their digestive system for a longer period of time to absorb the last bits of moisture. However, grey kangaroos are more prone to dehydration, because they do not have much need to conserve water in their woodland habitat.[10]

Kangaroos are shy and retiring by nature, and in normal circumstances present no threat to humans. Male kangaroos often "box" amongst each other, playfully, for dominance, or in competition for mates. The dexterity of their forepaws is utilised in both punching and grappling with the foe, but the real danger lies in a serious kick with the hindleg. The sharpened toenails can disembowel an opponent.

There are very few records of kangaroos attacking humans without provocation, however several such unprovoked attacks in 2004 spurred fears of a rabies-like disease possibly affecting the marsupials. The only reliably documented case of a fatality from a kangaroo attack occurred in New South Wales, in 1936. A hunter was killed when he tried to rescue his two dogs from a heated fray. Other suggested causes for erratic and dangerous kangaroo behaviour include extreme thirst and hunger.

Tim's Opinion:

I saw one youtube video of kangaroo versus humans and I gotta say, a kangaroo may kick the living crap out of me. In fact, I'm all but sure that a kangaroo can kick the living crap out of me. If you don't know what youtube video I'm talking about, take a look:



The kangaroo first punches the living shit out of that poor lady and kicks her. Then when her husband, who looks about my size, gets punched and then kicked to the floor by the kangaroo. The CRAZIEST and SCARIEST thing about a kangaroo is that it is a natural boxer. It is light on its feet and it is constantly moving. BOB AND WEAVE! BOB AND WEAVE! Friggin Muhammad Ali would be proud of that little bastard.

Alright, lets make a comparison. Muhammad Ali is 6'3 and during his fighting days, he was 183-236lbs. He is considered the best boxer in the history of boxing. A kangaroo, at least the Australian Red Kangaroo, can reach up to 6'7 and can get up 200 lbs. This little bastard will definitely float like a butterfly and sting like a bee!

The kangaroo is the exact opposite of the panda. It is 200 lbs. of pure muscle and stands a nice proportional height. Most importantly, it is agile and athletic! Here's the thing about the kangaroo that's different than the panda. The kangaroos actually practice fighting and they do it as a part of their livelihood. How do they determine who is the dominate male? They BOX! What do pandas do? Eating contest. Take a look at a couple kangaroos having a boxing match. Not only do they box, they balance on their tails to give a nice little front kick that'll probably break something:



There you have it. I concede defeat to these cute little buggers. I equate a kangaroo to a trained boxer or a MMA (mixed martial artist). They hover right around my size but goddam, they have a lot more skill at fighting and I'm sure they can take a lot more punishment than I could. I know one of those kicks right to my gut would not be fun times.

I'm sure some people will state that they could take a kangaroo because, hell, they look and fight just like a human. I don't know. I am very skeptical. My only thought on how I could beat a kangaroo would be to bum rush it at the beginning of the fight and get it off its feet. Then I could just grapple with it on the ground since they won't be able to use those powerful legs. There's always that chance that when I'm bum rushing it, it's just gonna hop on its tail and double front kick me in the face. Then I'd be dead and you wouldn't get to read this blog anymore.

Hrmm...the more I think about it, this reminds me of my kung fu days. It'd be like going against a very very good sparring partner. Not Bruce Lee level since they are just punching, kicking, no defense. I still don't like the fact that they stand on their tail and get full extension on their kicks. The whole "sharpened nails can disembowel an opponent" scares me... Hrmm, on second thought, maybe I'm less confident about fighting a kangaroo...

There you have it, I predict most men lose against these wily little bastards. What odds am I giving myself? If I were a betting man (which I am), I'd give myself 20% chance. I think on a good day, I could take down a kangaroo two out of 10 times. Granted, I'd probably be a bloody pulp but I would have taken down these rat bastards...

Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep on my panda pillow. I look forward to all of your comments.

CLICK HERE TO ADD TO THE DISCUSSION

Results: Animal #3 - The Panda

Results from Discussion and the Poll

The poll says the panda loses in a landslide victory: 7-1!!! Can't say that I'm utterly shocked by this result but there seemed to be some heavy debate about whether a panda could take a human down and I'm a little surprised that the vote is 7 - 1. For the amount of discussion I heard, I would have assumed it would have been 5 - 3 or something along those lines. Anyways, onto the good stuff!

Excerpts from the discussion on "Man vs. Panda"

But then it is only 20 lbs heavier than me. 20 LBS PEOPLE! I am in pretty good shape but not perfect, and this damn BEAR is only 20 pounds heavier than me. It should be like 100 pounds heavier than me. Which means I just take advantage of it. Move quick, hard hits to the head- eventually, the panda would become disoriented and I would be able to just destroy the panda.
-Paul

I have to say that I agree with you Tim Timmery. I don't think that I could take a panda, but do think that the average male could take one. I also don't think I could take a 250lb drunk man either, but wouldn't mind watching Tim try his hand at it!
-LMW

I believe that I could take a panda, after watching that movie, I don't think I would want to, but I think a couple of good kicks to knock it around and it would be over. What is interesting though, is that the only videos we ever see of Panda's is when they aren't threatened, I mean maybe they hulk out when they feel they are in real danger...
-Andrew

Angry panda's obviously don't hulk out because the cause of death for a murdered panda is "falling from a high place" and "scratches and other minor injuries caused by other wild pandas". If it were "torn limb from limb" or "savagely eviscerated", I'd be a little more worried. All it takes are a couple of minor scratches to get one running for its life. Keep in mind this is a panda that had "nearly three years of training in survival techniques and defense tactics". If I had three years of survival and defense training, I'd be a complete bad ass ninja/death machine. As for the weight issue: If you kick a 250lb man in the face, testicles, shins or kidneys, he is going down. Like I told Tim: The only animal dumb enough to get killed by wild pandas is... another panda.
-Marc

Why cant we all just be friends!!! i would bring a tv with me to the ring, and some popcorn, then me and the panda would watch a movie and become the bestest of friends. Just when it thinks theres enough "chemistry" that it can put its head on my shoulder, i will stroke its head (the one that holds its brain you sickos!) and then i will stangle it with my Ohh so long armpit hair..??
-sapan (the indian panda romancer)


Conclusion!!1!

I was at a lost for words when trying to debate why an average human should be able to kill a panda (not that you'd want to...look at the cute little bastards...he's trying to smoke...). But I soon realized after doing more and more research that the panda is so incredibly awkward, it is right up there with the Dodo bird, the platypus and the armadillo as the lovable losers of the animal kingdom (I guess the Dodo bird is the biggest loser since it isn't around anymore...wah wah wah...).

I gave you that chart on the size of the panda versus all the other cool, kick ass bears. In comparison, the panda is the runt of the family. He probably got beat up in bear high school and got shoved into lockers and all that good stuff. If you think about it, panda bears are kinda emo-ish. They just kinda mope around and they wear a lot of black. I digress...the Yao Ming of panda bears is pushing five feet tall. Think about that. The tallest of their species is 5 feet tall. Yet the pandas average 200 to the mid 200s. That's a lot of weight in a very small amount of area. A lot of our commentators agreed that the size and the agility of the bear (who gets killed by wild pandas?!?) was no match for an average human. A human has the reach, the agility and hopefully, the intelligence to avoid the pointy parts of a panda.

Therefore, the panda is joining the coyote in the "Evolution Hasn't Done Shit For Me Lately" category! For your viewing pleasure, watch a panda cub sneeze and totally scare the crap out of its mom:

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