Animal #2: The Ostrich (Struthio camelus)

The Facts:
Basic information about a big, ugly chicken (Yes, I am talking shit to an ostrich):

The Ostrich (Struthio camelus) is a flightless bird native to Africa. It is the only living species of its family, Struthionidae, and its genus, Struthio. It is distinctive in its appearance, with a long neck and legs and the ability to run at speeds of about 65 km/h (40 mph), the top landspeed of any bird.

Ostriches usually weigh from 93 to 130 kg (200 to 285 pounds), although some male ostriches have been recorded with weights of up to 155 kg (340 pounds). The feathers of adult males are mostly black, with some white on the wings and tail. Their eyes are larger than their brains.

At sexual maturity (two to four years old), male Ostriches can be between 1.8 m and 2.7 m (6 feet and 9 feet) in height, while female Ostriches range from 1.7 m to 2 m (5.5 ft to 6.5 ft). During the first year of life, chicks grow about 25 cm (10 inches) per month. At one year, ostriches weigh around 45 kg (100 pounds). An Ostrich can live up to 75 years.

Ostriches are the largest living species of bird and are farmed in many areas all over the world. The scientific name for the Ostrich is from the Greek for "camel sparrow" in allusion to its long neck.

Ostriches live in nomadic groups of 5 to 50 birds that often travel together with other grazing animals, such as zebras or antelopes. They mainly feed on seeds and other plant matter; occasionally they also eat insects such as locusts. Lacking teeth, they swallow pebbles that help as gastroliths to grind the swallowed foodstuff in the gizzard. An adult ostrich typically carries about 1 kg of stones in its stomach. Ostriches can go without water for a long time, exclusively living off the moisture in the ingested plants. However, they enjoy water and frequently take baths.

With their acute eyesight and hearing, they can sense predators such as lions from far away. When being pursued by a predator, Ostriches have been known to reach speeds in excess of 70 km per hour (45 miles per hour), and can maintain a steady speed of 50 km per hour (30 miles per hour).

Ostriches are known to eat almost anything (dietary indiscretion), particularly in captivity where opportunity is increased.

When lying down and hiding from predators, the birds lay their head and neck flat on the ground, making them appear as a mound of earth from a distance. This even works for the males, as they hold their wings and tail low so that the heat haze of the hot, dry air that often occurs in their habitat aids in making them appear as a nondescript dark lump. When threatened, Ostriches run away, but they can cause serious injury with kicks from their powerful legs. (source the always reliable wikipedia.org)

Tim's Opinion:

Alright, I gotta say that an ostrich is much more intimidating than a coyote. Let's look at the physical attributes. An ostrich it anywhere from 6 feet tall to 9 feet tall? Umm...yeah, that's kind of intimidating knowing that even if I fight a midget ostrich, it'll be the right height to just poke me right in the eye. (For those of you who know me well, I'm terrified of having anything bad happen to my eyes. ) And just think it's 9 feet tall. 9 FEET TALL! That means if I want to punch it in the face, I gotta get my Reebok Pumps on, pump those bad boys up, stretch a little and then leap with all my might to just punch a damn ostrich in the face. That's a lot of work to sucker punch an ostrich.

Another thing! The ostrich weighs anywhere from 200 to 300 pounds? Another negative for the human side. Although America features many 200 to 300 pound people, they don't seem to be in the same shape an ostrich is. The 200 to 300 pound people of America definitely cannot run 40 MPH. So you have a 200+ lb. beast who can run 40mph. Sounds intimidating since I don't think the whole punching it until it submits approach will work. The coyote was 30 pounds and wouldn't have been able to take a beating. However, an ostrich would be able to take more of a beating and counter attack. It's probably like a big, feathery punching bag that could peck you into submission.

Let's look at how an ostrich could potentially kill me. The ostrich could peck me to death. I'm not sure how hard an ostrich pecks but I imagine, it can probably get enough force behind that long neck to equal a pretty healthy punch. And this punch has a beak at the end of it which probably adds to the pain coefficient (hurh?). I'd guess an ostrich would have to peck me on the head and the chest the same way a boxer would punch me until I got knocked out. Then once I'm down and out, it could trample me with it's 200lb.+ body and massive drumsticks. It also could kick me but it seems to have the type of legs that have a very nice back kick but not too much of a front kick. So as long as I'm in front of it, I don't have to worry about those legs.

Now here's where it gets interesting. An ostrich could not and would not take me out. It's main diet are "seeds and other plant matter." SEEDS AND OTHER PLANT MATTER?!? And I'm supposed to be afraid of this thing? Come on! How can you stand nine feet tall and eat seeds? If I were nine feet tall I'd eat things that were slightly less than nine feet tall! Let us put it in some simple language, the ostrich is a coward. How many cartoons have you seen of an ostrich putting its head into a hole when it is scared. Come on. A coyote would at least fight me. If I jumped around, made a bunch of noise and basically scared the living shit out of it I think an ostrich would get scared, stick its head into a hole and the you would see me step on the back of the poor bird's neck. Game over, tip your waitresses.

Other weak spots of the "camel sparrow." It's got really long legs apart from its rather thick and meaty body. What does that mean? Well, let's take another look at a freak of nature. The Golden State Warriors had a player on their team during the 1990s named Manute Bol. He was 7'7 and about 95 pounds. Let me tell you, those 95 pounds were all in his torso as his legs looked like toothpicks. If you wanted to take him down, you could give me a nice little chop block to the legs and he'd be down on the ground and out for the count. Could you do this to an ostrich? I say, without a doubt, "YES!" Sweep the legs Johnny! Once the ostrich is off its feet and on its ass, I think it's nighty night for the ostrich.

How would you kill the ostrich you ask? Let's look at the ostrich. Probably could not beat the stuffing out of it because it looks pretty meaty. So unlike the coyote, pure strength and size isn't going to win this fight. What will win this fight? Man's sadistic side. Man looks at an ostrich and sees: a) long neck b) long legs. What does that equal? Two related targets. You take out the ostrich's legs anyway of your choosing. Let's remember you don't need to apply much pressure directly to a kneecap to break it (think Joe Theisman). Once you take out the ostrich's legs, it'll be immobile. It doesn't use its wings for much and I don't think it's gonna do much damage with them. So now you have a sitting duck, so to speak, and you can just jump on its back and attack that freakishly long neck of its. Feel free to do the Jet Li/Jack Bauer neck snap or throw on a sleeper hold on that son of a bitch. Or since it is just sitting there, just jump on its back like it's a trampoline until you hear a "CRACK!".

Obviously, the key to this battle is being able to take out the ostrich's legs. Once you have it grounded, this fight is over. I don't think the ostrich's ability to run 40mph really affects you because you are not on the Savannah. It uses its speed as a defense mechanism not as an offensive tool. So what you have to worry about: a) getting caught by a kick because it looks like a blow from those legs will knock you out; b) getting pecked in somewhere vital. It doesn't seem like ostrich really uses its beak as an offensive weapon against predators but hell, getting poked in the throat or in the eye or in the gut a couple too many times would probably drop you for awhile...long enough for it to sit on you; c) it somehow getting the idea that it could run at you at 40mph and just tackle you. Here's the problem with this idea, the ostrich's brain is smaller than its eye. I don't think it's gonna get too make bright ideas (says the boy discussing whether he could beat up an ostrich). Get some ranch sauce because this big chicken is getting fried...or broiled, whatever.


A little baby zebra chases off an ostrich. Let's remember, a zebra is basically Africa's cow...mmmm double bacon zebra burger.



Comparison in size of ostrich vs man. (looks like a small female ostrich, otherwise those are the tallest damn Asian people ever.)



Do you think you can take down an ostrich? DISCUSS...

The official results will be tallied next Monday night!